


when this hurt became a scar

by emmel23



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/F, Heavy Angst, Kara Danvers Loves Lena Luthor, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lesbian Lena Luthor, Protective Lena Luthor, SuperCorp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27151795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmel23/pseuds/emmel23
Summary: Title was "Damage", new title from "Damaged" by Benji James.Kara goes on a suicide mission but survives and Lena, her girlfriend, struggles with the reality that she could lose Kara at any time.
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor/Supergirl
Comments: 17
Kudos: 175





	1. Kara Danvers

**Author's Note:**

> Title was "Damage", new title from "Damaged" by Benji James.

Kara’s eyes were squeezed shut, trying to block out the light and the sound. When she heard a shuffle of feet and the door slam, she squeezed her eyes even tighter. She flinched, bracing herself.

“Kara. Zor-el. Danvers.” Lena Luthor said, anger clear in her voice. 

Kara was waiting for her to scream but when Lena didn’t, she opened her eyes. The lights on the ceiling blinded her for a second but her eyes quickly adjusted. She recognized the bland walls around her and the one small chair in the corner of the room. She pretended to study the hospital room, but she felt Lena’s gaze on her and her eyes reluctantly landed on her girlfriend.

Lena was covered from head to toe. Her black hair was messy, stray strands covering half of her face. Her sunglasses were perched on her head and she adjusted it every time it slid down. Her dark red coat was damp and Kara realized it had been snowing when she looked down and saw chunks of snow on Lena’s winter boots. Her skinny jeans were spotless, no doubt the puffiness of her coat protected them. Lena’s grey scarf twirled around her neck so that the bottom of her chin was covered. Kara almost wanted to smile from how small Lena looked behind all her winter clothes.

But then Kara’s eyes landed on Lena’s face. Her want to smile faded instantly. A panic rushed through her and she sat up. Lena’s eyes softened when their eyes met but her expression remained serious. Kara frowned and her mouth twitched from confusion and dread.

Lena’s voice had sounded angry but Kara thought it was to cover up the fact that she was worried. Now, she wasn’t so sure. When Kara searched her eyes, she saw so many levels of pain that she started tearing up. They had been dating for nearly a year but Lena never fully healed from her trauma, from what the Luthors had done to her. 

Kara shook her head internally.  _ That amount of pain would never heal _ , she thought. 

Her girlfriend’s lips were pressed into a thin line as if she was trying to contain how mad she was.

“Lena,” Kara started to say. “I’m so sorry.”

Lena must’ve heard her voice break but she barely blinked. Kara knew she had messed up, but she was a hero. It was her duty to do whatever it took to save National City.

“You could’ve died.” Was all Lena said. Her eyes roamed around the room before landing on Kara’s hospital gown.

Kara grimaced. The night before, she had used up all of her powers to defeat their most difficult enemy yet. Fortunately, she had survived. Unfortunately, she was powerless the next morning. When a bank was robbed at seven a.m., Kara had rushed to the hostages’ aid against everyone’s orders. There was no way she’d let people die, even if she didn’t have her powers. She had barged into the bank in her suit, hoping it would be intimidating. She managed to talk them into letting the hostages go but their pistols were still pointed at her. She heard police sirens in the background and attempted to flee. On the way out, someone had fired a shot in her direction and two bullets hit her shoulder. Kara had managed to make her way to the DEO but she passed out once she reached the building from the amount of blood she’d lost.

“I know I was stupid,” Kara responded. “But I’m Supergirl! I’m supposed to be the hero.”

Lena clenched her jaw. “You’re not  _ supposed _ to be anything but a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a girlfriend.  _ That _ is your duty. Your duty is not to barge into a crime scene without your powers. Your duty is not a suicide mission.”

Kara felt a flash of anger but she held off. “I know I worried you, Lena-”

“Worried?” Lena shouted. “I didn’t know if I would ever see you again! I didn’t know if I would find your body sprawled on the pavement! I didn’t know what I would do if you  _ died _ !”

Kara watched as tears dripped off of Lena’s chin and her own eyes welled up. “Lena-”

“I was more than  _ just  _ worried!” Lena continued, her entire face was wet with tears. “I- you- you can’t just  _ do _ that! You can’t decide that being a hero is more important than your family! You’re not  _ just  _ National City’s hero!”

Kara swallowed the lump in her throat. “Lena…”

Her soft whisper must’ve calmed Lena down a little bit but she was still shaking. Kara wasn’t sure if it was because of her anger, her worry, or from crying, but she just wanted to hug her. A tear rolled down her cheek when she realized how much she had hurt her.

“Kara, I-” Lena choked up and let out a sob.

The sound pierced Kara’s heart and she nearly fell backwards. Her tears started flowing and she sniffled loudly. 

“Lena,” Kara’s voice was desperate. “I- I just- I’m so sorry, baby. I  _ promised _ . I-I promised I’d never hurt you again.”

Lena’s eyes were tightly closed. She took small gasps of air in between sniffles. Kara was watching her closely, looking for a reaction. 

“And you still did.” Lena whispered so quietly that Kara had to strain to hear. “You broke your promise.”

Kara’s tears started flowing again. She thought back to the night she had first made that promise. They had just begun to be friends and she was visiting Lena at her old office. She remembered holding Lena in her arms after Lena had been accused of being a murderer, whispering the promise into her ear. Then, she thought back to the time she had made that promise again. Lena had just forgiven her for lying to her about her identity. She swore to her that she would be by her side forever, swearing that she would be safe with her. Promising that she would never be hurt again. And now, she had broken that promise twice.

“Lena,” Kara sobbed. “Please, I’m sorry.” She knew her apology sounded pathetic but she was struggling to find the right words.

“You always do this, Kara.” Lena opened her eyes. “You always promise me the world. But then you would break it and I’m left with nothing but pain.”

Kara choked back another sob. Lena’s eyes were staring intensely at her but it was cold. It was distant.

“I would give myself to you. Every time, I broke down my walls for you. Because you meant so much to me.” Lena looked down at the floor. 

“That’s not true!” Kara protested. “I love  _ you  _ the most. You’re the only one I really, truly loved. You’re the only one I really fell in love with!”

“None of that matters,” Lena said bitterly. “If you’re dead.”

Kara let out a dozen sounds, crying until her tear ducts dried out. “I’m so sorry, Lena.” Kara took a shaky breath and wiped at her face frantically. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I know that, darling.” Lena’s voice shook.

“I just felt so helpless.” Kara tried to explain. “I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. I’ve never cared about anyone as much as I cared about you. But I also had to be Supergirl. I had to be the city’s hero. I had to be everyone’s hero and I never realized I wasn’t being yours. I mean, you don’t need a hero, but I wasn’t always there for you. I almost always put the safety of the city over you.” The realization hit Kara while she said it.

Lena gave her a sad smile. “You didn’t always do that.”

Kara felt like she’d been hit with a block of Kryptonite. She remembered when she chose to save Lena over the chemicals dangling over the city. She remembered how she dropped everything to find her whenever she thought Lena had been in danger. 

“I still love you. I love you even more than the day we met. I love you more than the day we became friends. I love you more than the day we first kissed, the day we started dating, our first date. I love you more every day.” Kara confessed. “And still, I couldn’t figure out how to love you that much and save the city at the same time.”

“You’re always going to be my hero, Kara Danvers.” Lena said. 

Kara tried to respond but she only whimpered. She didn’t feel like a hero now.

“But I can’t just wait at home for you to come back alive.” Lena continued. “I know it’s hard for you, too, but I’m the one who stays and hopes that you have managed to stay alive after each mission. I’m clueless almost every time and I’m alone with my thoughts for hours,  _ forcing  _ myself to ignore the fact that you might already be dead.”

Kara felt a pang of guilt. She never thought about it like that.

“Lena,” Kara pleaded. “I just wanted everyone I loved to be safe, including you. I wanted to come home to you on a day with no crime, no death. Just us. I love you. I always have, I always will.”

Lena stared at her for a minute and Kara was afraid that she had rambled on without making any sense. Finally, she said, “I know. I know, and that is why it makes it  _ so _ hard for me. You’re always trying to do the right thing for the world but I can’t deal with it. Being a hero is so much bigger, so important, but I can’t keep standing around not knowing if you’re okay. You have no idea how  _ scared _ I am every time you tell me you’re off on another mission.”

Kara was about to respond but Lena cut her off.

“I worry day and night all the time.” Lena’s voice broke and her words sounded heavy. “You’re on my mind every second and I can’t stop thinking about where you were, what you were doing, who you were fighting. So many people use Kryptonite against you, I- it’s so  _ hard _ .”

Kara slumped against the wall. Lena’s words slammed against her, one after the other. 

“Kara,” Lena spoke up when Kara didn’t reply. “I know it’s selfish of me to be so angry at you risking your life for others. You’re so generous, so caring, so brave.”

Kara shook her head.  _ You’re the most generous, caring, and brave person I know _ , she wanted to say.

“But I just can’t be here if you ever…” Lena’s lips quivered. “I’ve lost so many people. I don’t want to lose you, too. I want to stay with you forever but I don’t want to be here if your lifeless body is sprawled across the pavement.”

“I shouldn’t have risked it today,” Kara said. “I should’ve known how worried you were, how frustrated and angry. I’m so sorry.” She didn’t know how to continue. She didn’t know how to defend herself and when she looked into Lena’s eyes, she wasn’t sure she wanted to.

Lena’s usual bright green eyes were dark and clouded, almost a shade of grey. “Don’t apologize anymore. I know you’re sorry. Today was so painful, you don’t even know. I saw you, Kara. I saw you lying on the floor in a puddle of your own blood. I just can’t go on like this. I always feel like I’m just waiting for the news that you…”

Kara swallowed hard when Lena’s voice cracked towards the end. “No. Please, no.” Her eyes were starting to water again.

“I can’t do this. I can’t handle it.” Lena’s voice hitched like her heart literally broke and she turned on her heels. “I have to go, Kara.”

“No! Please!” Kara begged. Her eyes overflowed with tears and she sobbed into her hands. 

“Kara.” Lena said softly. “I have to go.”

She knew Lena meant more than just leaving the room. “Lena, please. We’re meant to be together, I can’t-”

“Kara.” Lena’s voice became so sharp Kara stopped crying. “I don’t- I don’t love you anymore.”

Kara felt like her chest was about to explode. She sat, her jaw hanging, and watched Lena slam the door behind her. She knew Lena hesitated but it wouldn’t have made a difference. It would’ve hurt the same. She wanted to scream but no sound came out. She wanted to cry but she had cried it all out. She wanted to punch something. She wanted to run after Lena but she felt frozen in place. 

She must’ve sat there for hours, trying to register what had happened. She couldn’t. Kara thought back to every memory she had of Lena as if she was trying to hold on to them before they left her, too.

With each passing second, images flashed through her mind. She remembered how warm she felt when Lena first smiled at her. She remembered how her stomach did cartwheels when Lena hugged her for the first time. She remembered how nervous she had been when she finally kissed her, the woman she was in love with for years. She remembered everything.

  
  



	2. Lena Luthor

Lena felt her heart rate speed up as she stared out the window. National City. A rush of old memories came back to her at once. She refused to think about coming back since she had found out she was going to be here for six months for business. She shoved the idea into the very back of her mind for weeks. Now that she’s finally here, she couldn’t help but remember how she left the city four years ago. 

Lena stepped back and flopped down onto the hotel mattress with a grunt. She stared at the ceiling and her eyes teared up. 

Four years ago to the month, she had broken up with Kara. Lena had fled the city the same night and never looked back. She travelled from city to city, trying to find a new home, and finally settled back in Metropolis. It didn’t help when she realized she had originally  _ left _ Metropolis for Supergirl. For the first month, Lena barely slept. She forced herself to try to forget about all the memories she made with the Super Friends, with Kara. She forced herself to focus only on her work and eventually, she did. 

The last three years were almost a blur to her. She barely remembered anything other than work, work, and work. At least that’s what she kept telling herself. Lena swore to herself that she wouldn’t keep tabs on National City or Supergirl and she kept her word. 

Now that she was back, she felt… scared. For years, she didn’t know whether her friends were alive. Lena wasn’t sure if  _ Kara _ was alive. 

Lena shivered. The image of Kara, wounded, on that hospital bed flashed across her mind. She remembered how scared she had been when she saw Kara lying on the floor of the DEO, covered in her own blood. Then, she remembered that was the reason why she left in the first place.

Lena flung a pillow against the headboard in frustration.  _ I swore I would move on _ , she thought. She turned on the TV, looking for a distraction.

Immediately, screams and shouts filled the room. Lena scrambled for the remote, grimacing at the noise, but she saw the headline before she could find it.

“Will Supergirl return?” Lena read out loud, incredulous.

“The lower part of National City is in chaos!” The news anchor shouted into her mic. “Supergirl, the city needs you!”

“What?” Lena was confused. She fished through her clothes on the bed to find her phone and she pulled up National City news from the last four years. 

She hesitated at first, questioning whether she even wanted to know, but her curiosity got the best of her. Lena must’ve scrolled for hours, reading every article about Supergirl, before she got to one that said, “Did Supergirl Hang Up Her Cape?”

Lena’s eyes flew from sentence to sentence and she almost threw her phone at the wall in surprise. For the next two hours, she tried to think about something  _ other _ than Kara, but she could only think about how Kara wasn’t Supergirl anymore. She wasn’t National City’s hero anymore. Lena felt a tug in her heart and she tried to ignore that, too, but she eventually threw on a tank top and a pair of jeans and quickly walked out of the hotel.

Since Lena left National City, she stayed away from people. She avoided making friends and she avoided dating. As much as it pained her to be with Kara, she missed her even more. Now that she was making her way to Kara’s apartment, she was torn.

_ It’s been four years,  _ Lena thought.  _ Four years without her. _

Lena took a deep breath. She hadn’t realized she had arrived. She took in her surroundings, trying to remember what had changed and what had stayed the same.

“Oh, that tree grew.” Lena observed. She remembered when Kara would pretend to hide behind it so she could “scare” her. She smiled sadly and she felt guilty about leaving for the seventieth time.

_ I couldn’t live like that. I couldn’t live in constant fear.  _ Lena argued with herself.  _ But now, she’s not Supergirl anymore. _

She tried to convince herself that she shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving Kara like that but her heart clenched. She knew Kara must’ve been heartbroken, probably as much as she had been. 

“Excuse me,” A man said, snapping Lena out of it. 

She gave him an apologetic smile and stepped out of the way. Lena blocked out her thoughts all the way up to Kara’s apartment, refusing to let herself argue her way out of it. When she reached out to knock, she froze. The reality of it suddenly hit her but it was too late.

Lena heard a chair scrape against the floor and a shuffle of feet.  _ Super hearing, _ Lena cursed. Before she could run, the door opened.

Her heart rate spiked and she suddenly felt dizzy. Lena had barely looked at Kara but she felt like collapsing. 

Kara was standing still, her mouth hanging open. Lena forced herself to look up at her and they locked eyes. She saw the softness and kindness in them and she felt a flush from the center of her stomach. They were the same ones Lena had fallen in love with, almost a decade ago. 

She watched Kara’s lips quiver before she pulled herself together. Lena made a gurgling noise, trying to speak, but she couldn’t. Finally, she only managed to say, “Kara.”

Kara swallowed hard and her whole body trembled. “Lena.” 

Lena flinched when she heard Kara say her name. She felt even worse when she noticed the crack in Kara’s voice. “Hi,” Lena tried to give her a smile.

“Um, come in.” Kara cleared her throat and stepped back cautiously.

A breath caught in Lena’s throat. Nothing in her apartment had changed. It was like nothing had happened, like no time had passed. The couches were still there. The ottoman, the table. The same table where they had spent countless nights playing board games and talking. The kitchen was the same. Lena remembered the kitchen counter, the place where they kissed for the first time.

“Lena,” Kara spoke up hesitantly. “What- what are you doing here?”

Lena could tell how much Kara was trying to hide the pain. She had the same look on her face when she realized Lena was breaking up with her. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come.”

Kara grabbed her gently before she could leave and Lena felt her flinch. “Um, sorry.”

“I should go.” Lena said quietly, trying to push past her.

“You are not leaving me again, Lena Kieran Luthor!” Kara suddenly shouted.

Lena felt her throat close up and she spun. Her own lips quivered when she saw the tears in Kara’s eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?! You broke my heart and all you can say is  _ sorry _ ?!” Kara cried. Tears streamed down her face, one after the other.

Lena felt like she’d been stabbed in the chest. “Kara-”

“No!” Kara was shaking. “You  _ don’t  _ get to leave me for four years and then suddenly show up at my door! You don’t get to  _ leave _ me again!”

Lena clenched her eyes shut, hoping it would stop her own tears from falling. It didn’t work. 

“Four  _ years _ , Lena.” Kara nearly spat. “And you never reached out. Not to me, not to our friends. You were just…  _ gone _ .”

“I’m sorry, I- I couldn’t.” Lena argued. 

“I kept telling myself that you would come back.” Kara said unsteadily. “I kept telling myself that we could work it out together when you came back. But you… didn’t.”

“I couldn’t!” Lena yelled desperately. “We couldn’t have worked it out because I couldn’t! It took too much from me. The pain, it was worse than what the Luthors did to me. I didn’t love them, I loved you. That made it so much worse, Kara. The fear, the thoughts, I couldn’t face you again.”

“And you’re here now,” Kara yelled back. “After  _ four years _ , you finally decide to show up. What, did you try to forget me? Forget us?”

Lena’s chest felt heavy and she gasped for breath from crying. “I tried to.”

“Well, you were right.” Kara unclenched her jaw. “Being a hero was risky. It was unfair to you, having to be so alone and scared like that.”

Lena stared at her, her face softening.  _ Was that why you gave up the cape? _

“That’s why I hung up the cape.” Kara read her mind. “I didn’t at first, but Alex got hurt once. The same week you left.”

“You understood what it felt like.” Lena realized.

Kara nodded. “It was a dangerous mission. Almost as bad as Lex. She got hit and she was in a coma for a month. She crashed twice and I was so scared, Lena.”

Kara looked up at her, her eyes full of pain from remembering that night. Lena looked down at her shoes, Kara’s expression was too miserable.

“All I wanted to do in that month was talk to you.” Kara said softly. “I wanted to pick up the phone and call but I knew you would’ve done that already if you wanted to talk. I even turned to the left side of the bed one morning but then I remembered you were gone. I’m so sorry, Lena.”

Lena glanced up and finally met her eyes. They stared into each other’s eyes for a long time. It might’ve been a minute, maybe two, before Lena spoke. “When we finally started dating, I was actually  _ happy _ . It felt so perfect. I’ve never felt that before in my life. But then the reality of it hit and I realized our relationship wasn’t just joy. You became my life and I wanted you to be safe. But you couldn’t have been if you were Supergirl and I felt so powerless, so afraid. I’m sorry I left but…”

Now, Kara was the one who looked down at her shoes. “I know.” She said quietly.

“I just couldn’t really be happy like that.” Lena’s voice started to break. “I couldn’t be happy knowing you could die every second of every day.”

“I’m sorry.” Kara sniffled. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know how hard it was for you, too.” Lena said. “I’m sorry for that, Kara. I guess we weren’t really meant to be.”

Kara’s eyes widened and Lena knew she remembered when she had said they  _ were  _ meant to be. 

“I took the easy way out but truly, it was the only way for me. For us.” Lena continued.

“It wasn’t so easy, though, was it?” Kara glanced at her knowingly.

“No,” Lena admitted. “It wasn’t. But I couldn’t come back. I put us in the past. I just couldn’t come back.”

Somehow, she knew Kara understood. Her past had been so full of pain, and breaking up with Kara was no exception, so she did what she always did: leave.

“You shouldn’t even have to leave in the first place,” Kara said. “I should’ve known how unfair I was being.”

“No, Kara.” Lena gave her a sad smile. “You were being a hero. I’m only one person. National City needed you. 

Kara let out a breath. “I would’ve chosen you over the city any day. I made that choice years ago and I still would.”

Lena sniffled and she wiped her face with the back of her hands. She remembered how she had bitterly accused Kara of always putting the city first, but it wasn’t really true. She didn’t mind Kara putting the city as her top priority, she even admired it. But, it made her sad when she thought back to how Kara would rush to her without a second thought even before they had started dating. 

“I stopped being mad at you a long time ago.” Kara confessed. “At first, I was  _ so _ angry. Maybe at myself more than you because I realized what you meant. When Alex finally woke up, I realized I needed to stop.”

“Stop?” Lena asked.

“Stopped being Supergirl. When I lost you, I felt so empty. Then I almost lost Alex and it felt as painful as you leaving me. I couldn’t lose anyone else because I’m Supergirl.” Kara explained.

Lena felt a sense of regret but she pushed it down.

“I missed you so much,” Kara said, her voice wavered. “I spent so many nights staring at your side of the bed, staring out the window, flying by your old building, hoping you’d come back. I didn’t know how to live without you.”

Lena let out a small whimper in response and the guilt came rushing back again.

“The pain of losing you,” Kara whispered, closing her eyes as if she was feeling the pain now. “It was too much. It hurt more than anything.”

“Kara.” Lena wanted to bawl.

“Lena, I learned that life was about more than just surviving. More than just being a hero.” A single tear fell down Kara’s face.

“You have no idea how much I missed you, Kara.” Lena choked back a sob. “I didn’t want to miss you but I did. I tried to forget but I couldn’t. I spent so many days and nights stopping myself from coming back. I wasn’t ready to face you, yet. But I’m here now.”

Kara stared at her and Lena worried that she had taken it too far or that she was too late. They stayed quiet for a minute, both unsure of what to say. Now that they admitted everything, they didn’t know what to do next. 

_ I still love you, _ Lena wanted to say.  _ I never really stopped. I didn’t want to admit it but now that you’re in front of me, standing so close, you never felt so far. _

Lena tried to search Kara’s face but she couldn’t figure it out. Her eyebrows were tightly knit and her lips were pressed together. Lena felt more free of her emotions now, finally saying everything out loud. She thought back to their last conversation, the big fight. She regretted leaving just like that, but she would have regretted staying more. The whole situation seemed so sad, so painful, and all she wanted to do now was let all of it go.

“Don’t dwell.” Kara suddenly said, eyeing her.

“What?” Lena asked.

“I know you’re thinking about it. Regretting your decision to leave. Don’t do that.” Kara answered. 

“You-” 

“Yes, I still know you.” Kara said. “I didn’t forget a single thing about you.”

Lena felt like someone was squeezing her heart and she had to take a deep breath to calm down.

“Don’t think about the past, Lena. We both made mistakes. Things could’ve been different, sure, but it might’ve been worse.” Kara paused. “At least I get to see you again now.”

“Kara,” Lena said nervously. “After all this time, did you- do you…”

Kara raised her eyebrows in question.

“Do you… still love me?” Lena almost whispered.

Kara looked like someone hit her over the head. She staggered a bit before reaching out to steady herself with a wall. “Lena…”

Lena’s lips trembled. Panic surged through her, then regret. She shouldn’t have said anything. “It’s okay, Kara. I’m glad we understand each other better now. I’m… glad I saw you again.”

Every cell in her body was on high alert and her first instinct was to flee. She felt Kara’s eyes on her as she turned around and raced out of the apartment. She put her back to the door and fell against it. She wiped at her eyes, desperate to stop crying, but the tears kept falling.

  
  



	3. Kara Danvers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this and the next chapter are both the endings but in different perspectives. if you want lena’s perspective instead or if you want to read both, it’ll be up tomorrow because they’re really short.

“The question is,” Alex said. “Do  _ you _ want to see her?”

Kara’s eyebrows stitched together as she reached over for her tenth potsticker. “She left again.”

“You didn’t answer my question, Kara.” Alex tilted her head.

Kara chewed slowly so that she could continue to avoid her sister’s question. She suddenly saw a flashback of her and Lena’s last conversation and she almost started sobbing. It’s been three months since then and she hadn’t seen Lena once. 

“But that doesn’t matter. She probably won’t want to see me.” Kara finally said. To be honest, she was trying to convince herself that. She didn’t want to confront Lena about what she had told her last even though she was dying to see her again.

“For the last time, you don’t know that.” Alex sighed. “Look, she came to you first. She obviously wanted to see you.”

“Yeah, after four years. She probably just wanted closure.” Again, Kara was trying to convince herself more than Alex. For the last three months, she couldn’t stop thinking about Lena. She couldn’t stop thinking about what her life was like for four years without her. She couldn’t stop thinking about how she felt when Lena showed up at her door three months ago. She couldn’t stop thinking about their conversation or how Lena left her again. But most of all, she couldn’t stop thinking about seeing her again. She had to force herself to refrain from finding out where she was.

“You know what?” Alex poked Kara on the shoulder. “We should stop guessing. How about you decide what to do? We both know you’re torn between going to see her or not going to see her and we both know I can’t help.”

“Hey! Where are you going?” Kara pouted.

“We’ve been sitting here talking about Lena for  _ two hours _ , Kara. I need to get back to work.” Alex pointed at the clock. “Let me know how everything goes.”

Kara mumbled under her breath about how mean her sister was being but all Alex did was laugh and throw an empty water bottle at her.

“But…” Kara said to herself after she heard her front door click shut.  _ But I love you too, Lee. _

When Lena walked out on her last time, all she wanted to do was open the door and run after her so she could tell her that she still loved her, too. But, she couldn’t. Watching Lena leave like that again sent an all too familiar pain over her. The one thing that came back to her over and over again, though, was the fact that she had felt… good. She felt her heart burst when she had locked eyes with Lena and it was like she saw her for the first time again. It felt like all of her pain from the last four years just  _ vanished _ . It was like they had never been apart. But they were.

“Shut up, Kara.” She told herself sternly. “I can’t go find her. Everything is so complicated. No, I won’t do it.”

Thirty minutes later, Kara found herself in front of Lena’s hotel. 

_ Dammit, Kara _ , she thought. She had spent ten minutes trying to convince herself why she shouldn’t find Lena. She failed when she realized she did need to tell her she still loved her. She realized she couldn’t lose her again. It was her chance and she couldn’t just let Lena go like that again.

She felt panicked when she realized she had begun to walk closer and closer to the hotel but she couldn’t stop. Getting the location was easy. A single call to Brainy did the trick. The hard part was trying to kick out all of the doubt and the thoughts in her head on the way there.

A car horn sounded and Kara jumped. For some reason, it reminded her that she had powers. Silently thanking the driver of that random car, she flew into the hotel so quickly the receptionist inside barely felt a breeze. Now, she found herself standing in front of Lena’s door.

She felt her heart rate spike and she raised a hand, preparing to knock on the door. Kara hesitated and her hand dropped to her side. Her mind was jumbled with a million thoughts. All of her doubts reappeared and she froze. 

It brought back the memories of the first year her and Lena had been broken up. Before she had given up being Supergirl, she had fought a few criminals. Every fight, she thought back to how Lena had left her. It clouded her thoughts and she got so distracted, things almost always went wrong. 

She thought back to the day where three groups of people were held in three separate locations, all heavily booby-trapped. There were fires, bombs, water tanks, and poisonous gas. The reality of not having Lena by her side ever again hit her. Kara began to cry and she started shaking, finally breaking down. 

Ten people had died that night, because of her. She screamed at herself for days after that and she barely recovered from it. That added on to Alex being in a coma was too much. For a month, she stayed home and sulked. She cried and screamed about her breakup with Lena. She shouted and sobbed about the people she couldn’t save. She hugged herself and wept silently when she thought about her sister. Kara was on the brink of a complete breakdown.

Suddenly, Lena’s door opened and brought Kara back to reality. Lena’s head was tilted towards the floor and she almost ran into Kara. They both made unintelligible noises when they realized the other was standing in front of them.

Kara felt an unusual sense of confidence and she brushed past Lena, making her way into the hotel room. Lena quickly closed the door behind her and stared at Kara, her mouth hanging open in shock.

Kara made a sudden 180 and almost ran towards Lena. She pushed her against the wooden door passionately and Lena let out a small whimper. Kara stared into Lena’s eyes desperately. Her chest rose and fell quickly. Lena looked back at her with a wild look in her eyes. Their faces were inches apart, so close that Kara could feel Lena’s breath on her lips.

“I’m still in love with you, Lena.” Kara whispered. Lena’s eyes were wide and Kara felt her take in a sharp breath. 

After a count of three, it felt like a match had been lit and they both moved at the same time, pushing their lips onto each other’s. Kara pressed Lena harder against the door and she moved her mouth in sync with hers. Her entire body felt like it was on fire. Her heart was pounding against her chest so hard, she heard it. The feeling of kissing Lena again overwhelmed her and that feeling quickly took over. She felt like the world was spinning when Lena opened her mouth and kissed her back even more passionately. 

Lena’s arms were still pinned against the door but Kara felt her push Kara’s hands away. She willingly let go and was surprised when Lena took them and guided them to her waist. Kara’s hands trembled when she lifted the bottom of Lena’s shirt and came into contact with her skin. She let out a whimper when it burned against her hand. She cautiously slid her hands upwards but stopped at Lena’s midsection. Lena let out a disappointed moan when Kara took her hands off of her. 

With her mouth still on Lena’s, Kara shifted. She wrapped her arms around Lena’s thighs and lifted her up. Lena broke the kiss in surprise but she quickly found Kara again. She smiled into the kiss when she felt Lena’s legs wrap around her. Kara moved slowly to the bed, too consumed in the kiss. Lena’s hands found their way into her hair and she felt her fingers on her scalp. Lena pulled playfully with one hand while the other grabbed the back of her head. When she finally felt the edge of the mattress against her leg, Kara dropped Lena gently and she fell on top of her. One of Lena’s hands started tugging at Kara’s shirt frantically. The other was desperately tugging on Kara’s pants.

Kara broke the kiss and had to take a few deep breaths before asking, “Are you sure?”

Lena nodded quickly and pulled her back for a quick kiss before pulling away again. Her voice almost sounded like a low growl. “Kara, please.”

  
  



	4. Lena Luthor

For three months, one week, and two days, Lena worked almost nonstop. As usual, she turned to work to avoid dealing with her feelings. At first, it worked. She had conference calls twice a week and she had a stack of paperwork to go through every day. Some days, though, she barely got through her work because she kept thinking about Kara. 

_ I shouldn’t have gone in the first place. I shouldn’t have asked her if she still loved me. _ Lena would tell herself.

The other half of her argued,  _ You still love her. You ran because you were scared. You were scared that you loved her and she didn’t love you. _

That half of her won the argument most days. Lena kept a tally on how many days it had been since that day and she felt worse as each day passed. She convinced herself to stay focused on her work so she might be able to leave National City before the six months were up so that she could forget and move on again. Or try to. It didn’t work very well. 

She thought back to the worst four years of her life, the four years away from Kara. Sure, she told herself it was just work, work, work, day after day, but her feelings ran deeper than that. Lena never stopped thinking about Kara. Most nights she was off work, she drank so that she wouldn’t cry. She’d ignore all of her guilt and regret until it became too much and she broke. Lena would force herself to show up at work but she would spend countless hours weeping silently behind her desk, refusing to let anyone come into her office.

So, she ignored how desperately she wanted to see Kara again, to get closure after the last time. But the thought of seeing her kept nagging at Lena, and the guilt and regret returned in giant waves. 

Lena cursed at herself loudly. “Screw it, I’m going to find her. I’ll move on if she doesn’t love me anymore. Closure, I need closure.”

She buried her head in her hands and let out a sob as if she could  _ feel _ the relief of closure. She quickly gained back composure and stood up straight. Lena took a minute to  _ really _ steady herself, but not long enough for her to have time to change her mind about it.

Lena walked to the door and pulled it open with a swift motion, her eyes fixed on the floor to help distract her. A shadow in front of her made her jump and she looked up so fast she almost got whiplash.

_ Kara! _ Lena’s mind screamed when she realized she had almost run into her. She must’ve tried to say her name out loud because she heard a throaty noise come out of her. They stayed like that, frozen, for only a few seconds, but Lena could’ve sworn it had been minutes. Her breath quickened and her hands started to clam up. 

Suddenly, Kara flew past her. Lena opened her mouth, startled, but she turned to close the door anyway. Even quicker than Kara had entered, she slammed into Lena and pinned her against the door softly. 

All of her thoughts were on hold and all Lena could focus on was Kara’s eyes and lips. Her face was four inches away at most and Lena had to fight every urge to not lean forward and devour Kara in a desperate kiss. 

“I’m still in love with you, Lena.” Kara spoke into Lena’s ear and she almost shivered. She inhaled sharply and she finally decided to let loose. 

Lena felt like she had lunged at Kara’s lips, and she pressed her entire body against the door so that Kara would press against her even harder. She felt her entire body heat up and her instincts went crazy. She didn’t want to stop and she kissed Kara more passionately. Lena let out a desperate sound when Kara opened her mouth and she trembled at the taste. 

Lena pushed her arms outwards and Kara got the message, releasing them. She guided Kara’s hands onto her waist and her body pushed against hers again, desperate for her touch. She felt the cool air against her stomach when Kara lifted her shift and she gasped when she felt her warm hands against her skin. Her abdominal muscles contracted at the feeling. Lena felt Kara’s hands glide upwards and she held her breath, the world spinning. Suddenly, Kara dropped her hands and Lena let out a frustrated moan against her lips.

Kara bent her knees and wrapped her arms around Lena’s legs, hefting her up into her arms. Lena broke the kiss in surprise but she found Kara’s lips again, wrapping her own legs around her waist. She threaded her hands into Kara’s blonde hair and placed her left hand on the back of her head, guiding the kiss. Her free hand tugged gently at the hair and she ran her fingers through it slowly.

Kara dropped them both onto the bed, her on top of Lena, and deepened the kiss. Lena felt Kara’s hair brush against her face and it sent her over the edge. She let her hands drop and she tugged at Kara’s shirt and pants frantically.

Lena felt cold air in front of her and realized Kara had pulled away. “Are you sure?” Kara

asked. 

She nodded impatiently and kissed Kara quickly before she pulled away to answer. She didn’t want to spend another second talking but she answered, her voice low and raspy. “Kara, please.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter! i know it’s short, i’m sorry, but i really am terrible at word count lol. thanks for the ride, though! check out my other fics!


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